Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Ham Loaf Dude, formerly Pizza Dude, soon to be Asparagus Dude

I have decided to provide you with a sequel to THE PIZZA DUDE.

Ham Loaf Dude

After the whole exploding zucchini thing, Pizza Dude was pretty afraid of pizza, eternally blue, and changed his name, legally, the Ham Loaf Dude. Ham Loaf Dude decided that he needed a job to suit his name (which was why he had the job delivering pizzas, back when he was Pizza Dude). So he Googled it, and he found a place that sold ham loaves (and only ham loaves) in Illinois. So he moved halfway across the country and got a job at the Illinois Ham Loaf Place. Since he was new guy, they put him on delivery duty.
The end of prologue

Once there was a ham loaf dude. His name was Ham Loaf Dude. He worked at the Illinois Ham Loaf Place, but no one ever asked to have a ham loaf delivered to them, so Ham Loaf Dude was pretty much broke, since they paid him per delivery.
But then one day, miracle of miracles, Ham Loaf Dude was sent to deliver a ham loaf to some people on 0th Street. (Say it with me- zee row eth.) He knocked on the door, and a six-year-old in a pink sparkly dress with glowing red eyes answered. 
"Hi!" said Ham Loaf Dude. "Here's your ham loaf."
Pink Sparkles got mad. "Ham loaf? What's a ham loaf? I don't want one!"
Then someone else came up behind her. A teenager in jeans and a Nirvana t-shirt. Nirvana glared at Ham Loaf Dude. "We didn't ask for a ham loaf! Ham loaves are disgusting."
Ham Loaf Dude started to cry, because she was insulting his work and his name. But Nirvana just laughed, and Pink Sparkles joined in.
Then the ham loaf blew up in Ham Loaf Dude's face, blowing his nose all the way off.
And, of course, he turned red. I mean, he was glad to no longer look like a genie, but now he just looked like the devil or someone.
So he started to cry (yes, again).
Then Nirvana's head turned into a ham loaf! And it blew up! And Pink Sparkles' did the same!
By now, Ham Loaf Dude was used to peoples' body parts turning into stuff- he'd seen exploding zucchini ears, exploding carrot noses, and exploding string bean beards. But he'd never seen an exploding non-vegetable. And it was really freaking him out.
Nirvana and Pink Sparkles kept exploding, head-wise, while he was having a nervous breakdown. When they decided they were finished, they ran off into the sunset, laughing like the crazy ham loaf headed maniacs that they were.
And, of course, Ham Loaf Dude resigned as soon as he got back from the delivery, and changed his name to Asparagus Dude.

Well, I hope that was enjoyable for you, I guess. Not that it really matters. I don't write for public satisfaction. I write for personal satisfaction. It's an author thing, I don't expect you to understand. Okay, so, I think all of you reader people should write a story like mine, okay! I mean, not just like it, but something short and dumb but with a really good main character (like Ham Loaf Dude). It's fun, and a good way to blow off a few minutes that you probably should be doing something else. HA HA HA. 
Well, maybe I'll hit you with a third installment in the Ham Loaf Dude series. Then it could be a trilogy or something! And, surprise surprise, it will be called Asparagus Dude. Magic, right?! 
Okay, so, speaking of trilogies,

What is the best trilogy you've ever read?

I, personally, would say the Hunger Games, and a lot of you people probably will, too. 
Okay, one more thing. When you answer my magical questions, can you answer it on the blog and not just email me? Because I filter those emails into a folder that I don't usually check. Or if I check it, I don't open what's in it unless told to.
Well, thanks. I think.

Flip a coin,
Skip (which, yes, is me)



1 comment:

  1. hmmm. Yeah, hunger games. I think that's the only trilogy I've ever read.